Warning: this post contains details of my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. There are certain things I would not say in the presence of men, and I'm trying to remember that men could be reading as I write. But my goal in writing this is to help ladies who have experienced miscarriage and some things need to be said.
Kendall's Story...
My husband and I married in June of 2001. In August we moved back to Tn to finish out Bible college. In September I start to feel sick all the time and spent more and more time in the bathroom - not throwing up but just, well, if you've ever been pregnant you know what I'm talking about. Everything stops! Nothing moves - even when it needs to! But I had never been pregnant and I didn't know that was symptom.
I also had other symptoms, like food cravings, but we didn't have any money and we ate nothing but ramon so who wouldn't crave real food. I never mentioned these cravings because we couldn't afford anything else. After a while I started with other symptoms too. I started to wonder if pregnancy was a possibility, but we didn't have money to eat let alone see a doctor. So, I kept my ideas to myself and figured we'd all find out in time. The idea of losing the baby never even occurred to me! I was actually looking forward to finding out that I was pregnant, because at this point I was pretty sure I had to be.
About 2 weeks later I was at work, and this is really weird, but I could feel something bad "coming for me". I even physically backed up - like I could get away from it. I started to get tired, and my head gradually began to hurt. Little by little I began to feel worse and worse. By the time my shift was over, I had a fever and just felt awful! I spent that whole night {my husband was at work till 3 A.M.} crawling back and forth to the bathroom. My head hurt so badly that I couldn't get up to get back in the bed. I had to stay low, but it was cooler down there anyway and I was soo hot!
My husband came home and helped me back into bed. In my heart I knew something bad was happening, but there had still been no bleeding, so I started to think maybe this was all a part of being pregnant. I was starting to plan for a rough few months.
My head ache was gone by the next morning, but I couldn't move my eyes or turn my head without the worst pain shooting through. It was like everything was bruised up and any movement at all was too much. It took 3 days for the pain to stop.
The next time I went out was for church that Sunday. I wasn't in as much pain by then, but I was in a fog. I'm so glad that we were in the gym with the teenagers so I could get up and walk around. I couldn't have sat through a whole church service. I had been cramping off and on since the night before and walking was all that helped.
Suddenly, I felt the need to use the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and there I saw my baby. It was tiny and in a little pouch. I knew I had been pregnant. I couldn't cry. I couldn't think straight. I was just shocked. There was too much going on in my mind. The fact that one of my friends had just announced her first pregnancy that very same Sunday morning didn't help me any either.
All that I have just described was nothing compared to the weeks that followed! My husband didn't understand what I was going through. How could he? He was shocked and very sad, but there was nothing he could do to help me. Even after the physical pain went away I still had emotional pain - thoughts and feelings even a woman wouldn't understand if she had never been through them.
I was sure that no one loved me and honestly, I was fine with that because I didn't really love anyone either. I doubted everything including God and His love for me. I couldn't talk to anyone because they had not even known that I was pregnant. How could I tell them? What would I say? It was easier not to answer the questions that were certain to come.
{I had mistakenly talked to someone who should have been there for me, but having never gone through this kind of thing she basically told me that it was all 'in my head'. I had called to tell her that there had been a baby. I had hoped to hear that my baby would be loved and remembered by the whole family always and forever. That's not what happened. She figured that I'd get over it and all would be well. She didn't think that I had ever been pregnant to start with and even if I had I was young and could still have more babies in the future, so what was I worried about?}
Obviously there was no one to talk to. There was nothing I could do and I didn't see a way out of it all. I prayed and read my Bible. Nothing happened. One day, I'd had all I could take. I prayed that if God was finished me - if God had no other plans for my life - that He'd just kill me! I was finished. I couldn't take it anymore. About 3 days later, something happened. I can't explain it, but it was all over. I snapped out of it all and I felt more like myself than I had in weeks! That's when the grieving began for me. I was sad for a while after that, but I wasn't depressed anymore. I was freed from the 'cloudy tunnel' that had been my life. I was able to grieve and move on. I was able to see that life was hard, but with God it is bearable.
Gradually, over time, I came to realize that God had been right there with me through it all, even with all the hormone/depression problems. God had been there when no one else knew how. God was all I needed. He was there and always would be. I didn't see Him; couldn't feel Him at the time, but He had been there - just as He'd promised.
Life is not always easy, but with God it's possible. If you're going through something like this, know that you're not alone. You're not crazy. Others have been there too. Even when you don't hear from Heaven and can't feel Him anymore, He's still there. He still hears your prayers - even when you're sure He doesn't. Keep going. Keep praying. Keep it up! You'll come out the other side stronger than ever! God will be there waiting for you, showing you all the ways and times you weren't able to see Him.
He is there, dear friend! Don't give in to your grief! Trust Jesus and know that He has a plan for every life - including that of your baby!
**To read more of this series, "God's Grace Through Miscarriage", please click here.**
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Five months after our marriage I suffered the first of two 'late term' miscarriages (second trimester). The pain and grief are very real and very difficult to move through. Thank you for sharing your precious testimony here for I am sure many women suffer in silence unable to find strength and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteIt is crazy how many women come out of the woodwork about their own miscarriages when someone else speaks up. It makes me sad that they were too ashamed or too sad to ask for help before. There's too much of a "get over it" mentality. I hope I never truly "get over it," the foolish idea that you can "get over it" cheapens the value of the life that was lost. Thanks so much for sharing your heart and your testimony. :o)
ReplyDeleteAnne - it's true! It's like it's a taboo subject - people aren't comfortable with it so they spout out things like "oh it's probably for the best" and "well you can just try again" and while well meaning - it's like a knife in a mamas heart. Sooner or later you just stop talking about it and internalize it.
ReplyDeleteI miscarried this past summer. (3rd time) and a few weeks ago I started all these baby coupons. It didn't even occur to me until I asked out loud "Why am I getting all this baby stuff all of a sudden?" i realized it was after my "due date". The pain that washed in over me as I looked at that mail was almost unbearable. On good days I am to the point I don't grieve. Other days - and now with the time that has passed - sometimes something just strikes me and I have to pray and work through it. I always tell any mama who has suffered a miscarriage - to give themselves a LOT of time and love. There isn't any ignoring it. A broken heart mends...but its not the same.
started getting the coupons and stuff in the mail.....
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart to hear what you went through. I don't know what it was like for you, but I had some post partum depression that seems similar. But at least I had my baby to love and care for. I cannot begin to imagine the emotional pain. When my husband and I made a pastoral visit to a young lady who had miscarried, it was obvious that the husband was insensitive to what his wife was really going through. He didn't understand why she kept crying. God gave my husband pastoral wisdom as he spoke to them. He basically let them know that it is normal to grieve over their child, and it would take some time to get some normalcy back, though they would probably never "get over" it. But God would help them. The next time at church the young man's attitude was totally changed. He literally broke down as he asked the church for prayer. I may be way off base here, but I don't understand the idea about being so secretive about a miscarriage. If a child dies after a normal birth, you have a funeral and are able to grieve without feeling like you have to hide something. I know in counseling we have observed that some women have false guilt, like they could have done something to prevent the miscarriage. I believe that is just one more of Satan's wicked devices. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your experience. I am sure it will be a blessing to hurting mothers. Once a mother, always a mother, even when your baby is in heaven.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to experience this pain. I too, found my little baby. Luckily I knew I was miscarrying and I knew in all likelihood I would see the baby pass.
ReplyDeleteOh wow - wish I could go back in time and be there for you - I cannot imagine going through that so alone that way - thank goodness for God's love and grace pulling us through! :0)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your story! My second and seventh babies were lost to miscarriage. For years, I have struggled with the guilt of flushing away my 7 week old unborn child, though I know I had no other option at the time, due to my then-husband's temper. Reading this brings back thoughts of that time. But it also reinforces the joy of knowing that God has always been there, and that He has blessed me with 6 other beautiful, healthy children. Just think: One day, we will run and play with ALL of our children, and then our joy will be complete!
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the sweet comments, ladies! I wrote this in hopes of being a blessing to someone somewhere, and you were all such sweet blessings to me!! Thank You!! ~Angela
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. I have never experienced the pain of miscarriage, but have cried with many a friend after losing a baby. They say the worst part are the comments that "you're too young to want a baby right now anyway" or "At least you'll have babies in the future."
ReplyDeleteI understand your grief, however. We nearly lost our newborn last March, and the dispair after such a close call with death was unbearable at times. Living in a hole of depression is awful, but learning to be carried by the Lord completely is a precious experience that I'll never forget. The beauty is worth the ashes.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm so sorry you had to go through that... I also suffered a miscarriage a few years ago, and it is incredibly painful! My husband and I are trying again now... I'm praying everything turns out ok!
ReplyDeleteHi, Jane!! I'm so glad you left this message! I will pray that God bless you and your husband with a happy, healthy baby!!
ReplyDelete