Your Ways Are Higher Than Mine

Today we have Ann from Pretty Lady Designs.  I'm so excited to have her here today.
I know this post will be an encouragement to you!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  

Isaiah 55:8-9

I've had two miscarriages.  The first one happened in 2009 while we had just started trying to conceive.  It was a horrible shock since no one else in my family had ever had a miscarriage, and I was so scared that we would never be able to have children.  But God had a surprise for us.  We unexpectedly became pregnant with our son a month later and after a somewhat rocky start, I enjoyed a relatively healthy pregnancy and a strong baby boy right before New Years Eve.

On September 24, 2011, I found out I was pregnant again.  I found out very early, and only took a pregnancy test because I felt an urging to do so.  What followed were four blood tests in a week and a half; since I had a history of miscarriage, this pregnancy was considered "high-risk" which required more testing and intervention.  I also had a confusing ultrasound when I was just six weeks along.  My levels were where they needed to be, and I knew without a doubt I was at six weeks, but we didn't see anything but a black hole.  I was worried, but my husband gently reminded me that this is what happened with our son and he had turned out fine.  And while it was troubling and disappointing not being able to see our baby on the screen, I held on to that memory and believed in my heart that if we gave it another couple of weeks, everything would turn out as it had before; we would see our baby and its fluttering heartbeat, and know that God had truly blessed us with a miracle once again.

The date of my second ultrasound was October 20.  It was a crisp, cloudless morning, and my husband and I were planning on going out of town for a much-needed vacation that weekend, so I was excited yet nervous as I buckled our son into his car seat and started toward the doctor's office to meet him.  About a minute into the trip, a familiar song came on the radio.  It was Addison Road's "Hope Now," and it had brought me great comfort back when I became pregnant with our son and there was so much uncertainty and worry at the very beginning.  The song speaks about being carried by God and placing our hope in Him even in the midst of a storm.  The song is a few years old, and I don't hear it on the radio all that often anymore.  I couldn't help but think that God Himself played this song for me, knowing I would be in the car and headed to the ultrasound at that moment.  I praised Him for His thankfulness and believed that this song was a sign that everything would be all right, just as it had been two and a half years earlier.

About an hour later, my husband and I stared at the screen in the ultrasound room with heavy hearts.  Try as she might, the ultrasound tech couldn't find any evidence that a baby was in there.  When we should have been able to see the small form of our developing child, all we saw were bits of matter scattered here and there in a sickening, disorganized array.  It became clear that we would have to say good-bye to another one of our children, and I remember saying to Randall once we were alone in the room, "I don't think I can go through this again."  He answered back, "Yes, you can," and immediately after those words I heard God speak into my soul, "I'm with you."

It would be several hours later, when my husband and I had dropped off our son with his grandparents and were headed to Tennessee to take our trip as planned, when I would think of that song again and wonder why it had played on the radio that morning.  Why would God do that to me?  I thought back on the lyrics of the song, and realized that it still brought me comfort even in this situation.  It, like most of the songs that revolve around God and His goodness, spoke the truth.  And His truth is steadfast in any circumstance, even in this one that still doesn't make sense to me almost a month later.  I don't know why He allowed me to get pregnant again, I don't know why He told me to take the pregnancy test so early since knowing early ended up not saving the child's life, and I don't know why this child was destined only for Heaven and not for earth here with me first.  I just know that His ways are higher than mine.  It hurts, and I suspect it will hurt for awhile.  Like with the first child we lost, there will come a day when I don't think of what I've lost every minute, but I know little pangs of hurt and disappointment will come and go for the rest of my life.  Maybe He does this so I won't ever stop longing for my true home, and so I won't ever forget that there is a higher purpose for all of us.

Admittedly, this second miscarriage was a lot more painful and difficult than the first, both emotionally and physically.  It involved waiting for three weeks to miscarry naturally (my body took forever to get the message that the baby had passed away so it acted as though I was still pregnant), and once things did get going, it resulted in a scary trip to the emergency room.  But He was still faithful through it all.  I came out healthy and can still have children.  And as hard as this experience was, it's also strengthened my testimony and has allowed me to counsel and help other women who have been through it too. 

It still hurts even a few months later.  It seems all of my friends are having babies or announcing their pregnancies.  But I've never doubted God's love and sovereignty for a moment.  He knows I'm hurting and cries along with me.  I'm thankful for His hand, even though I'm not always sure about what He's doing.  And I'm thankful that His ways are higher than mine.  He may be a mystery at times, but He's the only One I trust.  His words, even when sung as song lyrics, are true and can speak to my heart no matter how a situation turns out.  And I'm grateful for that one constant that I can count on when nothing else in life seems sure.  He IS my constant!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anne is a stay-at-home-mom. She and Randall have been married for 5 years. They have a two-year-old son named Caleb.  

Anne blogs about crafts and other DIY adventures over at Pretty Lady Designs, and she also has a devotional blog named Wet Roots as well.  

  **To read more of this series, "God's Grace Through Miscarriage", please click here. **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are so glad to have you join us here at Hidden Treasures! We hope to be a blessing to as many ladies as possible!  You can connect with us on Facebook or Twitter, or you can chose to have our post sent directly to your E-mail or RSS feed.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This post is linked with:
The Better Mom
These Five of Mine Plus Two