The Secrets of My Heart

This is hard story to tell.  It's the testimony of a little 5 year old girl.  I can tell it because I was that 5 year old girl.  I tell it, not in pity for myself, but in hopes that God can take my story and use it to help and encourage someone who is facing something of similar nature.

Here's my story...

My parents were out.  Babysitters.  The son of a very respected man in our church....  These things shouldn't be happening.  How could I stop it?  What should I do?  Should I tell someone?  What if they didn't believe me?  My word against his.  Would they think I had made it up?  What if someone found out?  Would I be in trouble?  What would they think?  Guilt.  Shame.  Fear.  My stomach was upset.  "Come with me...  Watch this...  Sit on my lap..."

The memories are still clear.  Some of them - not all.  28 years later I still re-live it in dream form every once in a while. I wake up scared.  I try to remember it, but most of the memories are gone within seconds of my waking and I'm once again only able to remember the bits and pieces vaguely described above.  What else happened?  I don't know.  I'd kinda like to know.  I think.  I've tried to write it all down, but I don't have time to grab a pen and paper before it's gone from memory again.  Probably for the best.

I did eventually tell my dad.  I don't remember what I said exactly.  I just remember crying and telling him I was afraid.  I didn't want to go near 'him'.  He scared me.  Touched me.

I remember my dad telling me that everything would be ok and that 'it' would never happen again.  Then he left the house.  He didn't seem mad.  Just in a hurry.  That was the last time 'it' was mentioned.  I never knew if he ever did anything about it until years later when his {my dad's} mother told me that he had indeed taken care of the situation.  I still don't know how.  Never had the guts to ask. 

As the years passed, I learned to deal with it my own way.  Don't talk about it.  Hopefully no one would know.  I was afraid of what they would think of me.  What if they didn't like me for it?  What if no one ever loved me...?

Worse than the memories of what happened were the thoughts and feelings that came from it as I grew older. Yes, even desires that I would never have admitted to.  I was embarrassed. Ashamed.  I was supposed to be a good Christian girl.  I wanted to be.  I tried to be.  But I had thoughts and feelings that were not good.  Not pure.

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I was ashamed and humiliated.  I was afraid that everyone that looked at me knew what had happened.  Or, worse, what if they could read my thoughts?  What if they knew the secrets that were in my heart?  No one would ever want to be my friend then!  I'd be the disgrace of my family.  What if no one ever wanted to marry me because...? 

I prayed.  God was with me.  I could feel Him.  I was always amazed at how close and sweet He seemed to be even though I knew I didn't deserve Him!  I asked Him to help me to forgive.  Help me to keep my own thoughts and desires in check.  I didn't want this to bring me down, but rather, to make me stronger.

I got to the place where I was even able to ask God to bless 'him' and not let it ruin his life as well.

You see, he was a young boy - a teenager - when it all happened.  I suppose anyone is capable of making such foolish decisions.  Not sure what he remembers or how he feels about it all today, and honestly, I don't want to know.  I just know that God has helped me to come to the place where I sincerely hope things go well for him. 

How did I get to this place?  Forgiveness.

You know the old adage, "Forgive and forget"?  Some believe that to forgive is to forget.  That simply is not true.  There are things that I'll never forget.  I can't.  But through God's grace, I can and have been able to forgive.

The more you pray and ask God for help, the more you can forgive, and as the days go by, you'll realize that you really don't need to ask God to help you to forgive as often.  It may start out a daily thing.  It may need to be an hourly thing, but as the hours and the days go by, you'll realize that you have to ask for His help in this area less and less.  He'll give you peace and joy and make you stronger because of it all.  Stronger because of HIS strength and not your own. 

It has been said that being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping the person that offended you dies.  Your bitterness will only hurt you.  Not the person that hurt you.  We must ask God to take the bitterness and replace it with His love and forgiveness.

So, what do I recommend if you've been through such a thing?  Forgive!!   

It's not easy, but it's not hard either.  Just ask God to help you and He will.  Ask Him to help you as many times as you need to.  You will find that you are asking less and less as the days go by.  Don't try to forget.  You won't.  Just know that what has happened has the potential to make you into something stronger than you are now.  {Or, you can let bitterness and guilt ruin you.} 

And all those thoughts and feelings that came as a result?  II Corinthians 10:5 ~ bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"   It's a long, continuous struggle, but one that must be learned.  As soon as those thoughts pop up - give them to God.  Lord, you know my thoughts, please help!  Lord, help me to think about things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report. Philippians 4:8  Sing a song like "All to Jesus I surrender..."

If your children are young, you can take measures to be sure it doesn't happen to them.  And be sure to tell them that they can come to you if something should happen.  They need to know that you will believe them and help them.  They need to know that they MUST come to you even if they were threatened against it!!

You can also take steps to make sure they aren't put in a situation where they could be tempted or even accused falsely of doing such a thing!

I remember telling my husband the day our son was born that he would NEVER be allowed to babysit.  I'm pretty sure my husband thought I was crazy to be thinking about my son as a teenager when we were still in the hospital, but I was planning on ways that would save him this grief. 

I don't enjoy the memory, but I don't face the guilt anymore.  I have been able to share my story with a few here and there.  Never in mixed company and never with large numbers.  I do pray that somehow my story has been a help to someone that needed it.  Someone that needs to know that they aren't alone.  

It's not been an easy post to write.  I do still wonder what some may think, but I also know that God allows things for a reason, and maybe the reason for my story was that I might help someone else.  God is good to give me such an opportunity!!  To take my troubles and turn them into good!

We must give our troubles to Him over and over again - as many times as necessary.  He'll know what to do with it all.  Before long you'll be able to look back and see how strong He is and what a wonderful peace He can give!    It's so worth it!

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Wednesday Wisdom