When my children fuss over a toy, I have only one question: Who's is it? If no one knows it usually gets a new home in my kitchen trash can! Saves lots of bickering and clutter.
The "you have to share your toy with your bratty little brother because he's whining again" mentality is only teaching children to be manipulative. The child who has to hand over their possession to a whiny "friend" will soon decide they don't like that friend and may even start to become bitter. And who can blame them??
The child that is constantly whining is not going to have friends. No one likes a whiny baby. Do I want to set my kids up for that kind of reputation? Will he be successful at his job someday thinking he can whine his way to the top? Or, complain his way to the best desk or a bigger salary?
If your husband gave YOU have a brand new necklace that you LOVE and your "best friend" or neighbor came over insisting that she wants to wear it, are you going to say, "I tell you what. Let's set the timer and you can wear it for 10 minuets when my time is done with it."? Absolutely NOT! You're going to say, my husband bought this for me because he loves me. It's expensive and it's mine! No one in their right mind would expect you to just hand it over! {"Mine" really isn't such a terrible word now is it?}
Why do we expect our children to do that with the things we give them?
At our house, each child has certain possessions that are theirs. No one else has a right to them. They belong to the owner. For example, the girls each have their own babies, Bibles, back packs, purses, deactivated cell phones and several other things... My son has his things. Pretty much everything belongs to someone unless it's a game or something that we all share.
Kids: blah, blah, blahh
Me: Who's is it?
Kids: So and So's {most of the time at this point they're already handing it over}
Me: Then give it to them!
Kids: blah, blah. blah...
Me: "Who does it belong to?"
Kids: "I don't know."
Me: "throw it away."
And that quickly you're done with the argument. The offending item is no longer an issue and children realize that they probably don't want to run to mom with ever little bitty problem. It encourages children to work out their own problems.
My children are not perfect and they do squabble. But they share and sometimes they don't even know who something belongs to because "we both share that shirt" or "I lost mine so, L let me use her's".
Life is so much sweeter when everyone gets along and "things" are not as important as "people"!!
The "you have to share your toy with your bratty little brother because he's whining again" mentality is only teaching children to be manipulative. The child who has to hand over their possession to a whiny "friend" will soon decide they don't like that friend and may even start to become bitter. And who can blame them??
The child that is constantly whining is not going to have friends. No one likes a whiny baby. Do I want to set my kids up for that kind of reputation? Will he be successful at his job someday thinking he can whine his way to the top? Or, complain his way to the best desk or a bigger salary?
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If your husband gave YOU have a brand new necklace that you LOVE and your "best friend" or neighbor came over insisting that she wants to wear it, are you going to say, "I tell you what. Let's set the timer and you can wear it for 10 minuets when my time is done with it."? Absolutely NOT! You're going to say, my husband bought this for me because he loves me. It's expensive and it's mine! No one in their right mind would expect you to just hand it over! {"Mine" really isn't such a terrible word now is it?}
Why do we expect our children to do that with the things we give them?
At our house, each child has certain possessions that are theirs. No one else has a right to them. They belong to the owner. For example, the girls each have their own babies, Bibles, back packs, purses, deactivated cell phones and several other things... My son has his things. Pretty much everything belongs to someone unless it's a game or something that we all share.
This is the conversation you would hear at my house if you were to come to dinner at my house and a couple of my kids fussed over one toy:
Kids: blah, blah, blahh
Me: Who's is it?
Kids: So and So's {most of the time at this point they're already handing it over}
Me: Then give it to them!
Second Scenario:
Kids: blah, blah. blah...
Me: "Who does it belong to?"
Kids: "I don't know."
Me: "throw it away."
And that quickly you're done with the argument. The offending item is no longer an issue and children realize that they probably don't want to run to mom with ever little bitty problem. It encourages children to work out their own problems.
On the subject of Sharing:
If a child knows that he has rights to a certain thing and it will be returned to him when he needs it or simply wants it, he will be much more willing to share his things. There's no reason to be protective and selfish or vindictive over an item that is clearly yours....especially when you know you have the law on your side! {The law being Mom and Dad!}My children are not perfect and they do squabble. But they share and sometimes they don't even know who something belongs to because "we both share that shirt" or "I lost mine so, L let me use her's".
Life is so much sweeter when everyone gets along and "things" are not as important as "people"!!
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YES YES YES!!
ReplyDeletethere are some times when i do tell a child to share a toy [teaching].
but they NEVER have to share something new on their birthday :) and you canNOT pout if someone does not want to share her toy with you. and you can ALWAYS get your own toy back when you ASK nicely.
oh. and mommy can't help you if you are pouting, no matter if you are right! lol
That is interesting way of approaching it! I've never thought of it that way. I do however throw a lot of things out (at least things of little monetary value.) Good idea :)
ReplyDeletehttp://narrowwaywife.blogspot.com
oh one more thing tho, how does this work out when the child who owns the item is just wanting it back for no other reason than being mean to the other. Is that not encouraging selfishness? Just wondering. :)
ReplyDeleteIf the item belongs to first child I give it back to him. The other child has his own stash of toys too.
ReplyDeleteRemember: it works both ways - just as children don't want to play with a whinny brat, they don't like to play with selfish ones either. It all tends to work it's self out... This idea is that the child knows that he has the security of the "law" on his side and he doesn't feel the need to take that law into his own hands...he better off behaving! =)
Wow! Thanks for sharing this! You just open my eyes! I will Talk with my husband about it, and I will try to react just like you when the situation happen again... Thanks again!
ReplyDelete(Sorry for my poor English, I'm a French person)
La Famille NB, You English is lovely and I would love to invite you back to Hidden Treasures tomorrow to read a post by a friend of mine. She was raised in France by American Missionaries. When she came back to the states for college she barely knew any English at all! She told me today, that living in America is like the Mission Field to her. She just loves France so much!! Please Do come back!!! You'll love her.
ReplyDeletegreat advice. Sue
ReplyDeleteI love this! Very freeing, as a mom, to not have to worry about the, who had it first? And then they all raise their hands. lol. One addendum I might add, to help with the putting away of personal belongings, is either, if you leave it out, it's free game, OR, the more likely candidate, if you leave it out, it goes in a box and you have to buy it back with either allowance or extra work. Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
sara
This is just what I do too! Thank you so much for sharing - what you said is SO true!!!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post!
ReplyDeleteI am coming to a firm conclusion on this - we have 6 children. They already have too much. i am hoping to go into the world of "joint presents"!!! Certainly at Christmas! Then, they have to play with them together as they belong to everyone! Children plain have TOO much these days! I agree with an earlier person. The child has very clear ownership and claim when things are new. When they get older, they generally are happy to share anyway! I DO like to encourage kindness, generosity and humility. Being WILLING to share their lovely new thing is always a good attitude to have. I would probably share just about anything I have, with anyone who asked! AND be willing to give it away if it would benefit someone else!
ReplyDelete