Friday, June 1, 2012

The Secrets of My Heart

This is hard story to tell.  It's the testimony of a little 5 year old girl.  I can tell it because I was that 5 year old girl.  I tell it, not in pity for myself, but in hopes that God can take my story and use it to help and encourage someone who is facing something of similar nature.

Here's my story...

My parents were out.  Babysitters.  The son of a very respected man in our church....  These things shouldn't be happening.  How could I stop it?  What should I do?  Should I tell someone?  What if they didn't believe me?  My word against his.  Would they think I had made it up?  What if someone found out?  Would I be in trouble?  What would they think?  Guilt.  Shame.  Fear.  My stomach was upset.  "Come with me...  Watch this...  Sit on my lap..."

The memories are still clear.  Some of them - not all.  28 years later I still re-live it in dream form every once in a while. I wake up scared.  I try to remember it, but most of the memories are gone within seconds of my waking and I'm once again only able to remember the bits and pieces vaguely described above.  What else happened?  I don't know.  I'd kinda like to know.  I think.  I've tried to write it all down, but I don't have time to grab a pen and paper before it's gone from memory again.  Probably for the best.

I did eventually tell my dad.  I don't remember what I said exactly.  I just remember crying and telling him I was afraid.  I didn't want to go near 'him'.  He scared me.  Touched me.

I remember my dad telling me that everything would be ok and that 'it' would never happen again.  Then he left the house.  He didn't seem mad.  Just in a hurry.  That was the last time 'it' was mentioned.  I never knew if he ever did anything about it until years later when his {my dad's} mother told me that he had indeed taken care of the situation.  I still don't know how.  Never had the guts to ask. 

As the years passed, I learned to deal with it my own way.  Don't talk about it.  Hopefully no one would know.  I was afraid of what they would think of me.  What if they didn't like me for it?  What if no one ever loved me...?

Worse than the memories of what happened were the thoughts and feelings that came from it as I grew older. Yes, even desires that I would never have admitted to.  I was embarrassed. Ashamed.  I was supposed to be a good Christian girl.  I wanted to be.  I tried to be.  But I had thoughts and feelings that were not good.  Not pure.

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I was ashamed and humiliated.  I was afraid that everyone that looked at me knew what had happened.  Or, worse, what if they could read my thoughts?  What if they knew the secrets that were in my heart?  No one would ever want to be my friend then!  I'd be the disgrace of my family.  What if no one ever wanted to marry me because...? 

I prayed.  God was with me.  I could feel Him.  I was always amazed at how close and sweet He seemed to be even though I knew I didn't deserve Him!  I asked Him to help me to forgive.  Help me to keep my own thoughts and desires in check.  I didn't want this to bring me down, but rather, to make me stronger.

I got to the place where I was even able to ask God to bless 'him' and not let it ruin his life as well.

You see, he was a young boy - a teenager - when it all happened.  I suppose anyone is capable of making such foolish decisions.  Not sure what he remembers or how he feels about it all today, and honestly, I don't want to know.  I just know that God has helped me to come to the place where I sincerely hope things go well for him. 

How did I get to this place?  Forgiveness.

You know the old adage, "Forgive and forget"?  Some believe that to forgive is to forget.  That simply is not true.  There are things that I'll never forget.  I can't.  But through God's grace, I can and have been able to forgive.

The more you pray and ask God for help, the more you can forgive, and as the days go by, you'll realize that you really don't need to ask God to help you to forgive as often.  It may start out a daily thing.  It may need to be an hourly thing, but as the hours and the days go by, you'll realize that you have to ask for His help in this area less and less.  He'll give you peace and joy and make you stronger because of it all.  Stronger because of HIS strength and not your own. 

It has been said that being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping the person that offended you dies.  Your bitterness will only hurt you.  Not the person that hurt you.  We must ask God to take the bitterness and replace it with His love and forgiveness.

So, what do I recommend if you've been through such a thing?  Forgive!!   

It's not easy, but it's not hard either.  Just ask God to help you and He will.  Ask Him to help you as many times as you need to.  You will find that you are asking less and less as the days go by.  Don't try to forget.  You won't.  Just know that what has happened has the potential to make you into something stronger than you are now.  {Or, you can let bitterness and guilt ruin you.} 

And all those thoughts and feelings that came as a result?  II Corinthians 10:5 ~ bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"   It's a long, continuous struggle, but one that must be learned.  As soon as those thoughts pop up - give them to God.  Lord, you know my thoughts, please help!  Lord, help me to think about things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report. Philippians 4:8  Sing a song like "All to Jesus I surrender..."

If your children are young, you can take measures to be sure it doesn't happen to them.  And be sure to tell them that they can come to you if something should happen.  They need to know that you will believe them and help them.  They need to know that they MUST come to you even if they were threatened against it!!

You can also take steps to make sure they aren't put in a situation where they could be tempted or even accused falsely of doing such a thing!

I remember telling my husband the day our son was born that he would NEVER be allowed to babysit.  I'm pretty sure my husband thought I was crazy to be thinking about my son as a teenager when we were still in the hospital, but I was planning on ways that would save him this grief. 

I don't enjoy the memory, but I don't face the guilt anymore.  I have been able to share my story with a few here and there.  Never in mixed company and never with large numbers.  I do pray that somehow my story has been a help to someone that needed it.  Someone that needs to know that they aren't alone.  

It's not been an easy post to write.  I do still wonder what some may think, but I also know that God allows things for a reason, and maybe the reason for my story was that I might help someone else.  God is good to give me such an opportunity!!  To take my troubles and turn them into good!

We must give our troubles to Him over and over again - as many times as necessary.  He'll know what to do with it all.  Before long you'll be able to look back and see how strong He is and what a wonderful peace He can give!    It's so worth it!

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This post is linked with:

Wednesday Wisdom

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13 comments:

  1. Thank you for your post. I went through something similar when I was very young. But right now, one of my dear friends is going through this with her young daughter. These are a lot of the same feelings I told her about. I only pray this might help her too. Thank you!

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  2. I'm sitting here in tears as I write this. I wasn't able to get through the entire post...it brought back too many memories.

    It happened 20 years ago, last December. I was 6 1/2 years old. It was my Dad's father. I can't even bear to call him "grandpa". I can't tell you how many times over the years I've wished it had been a stranger. Someone with no face in my memories.
    I've lost track of the number of times I've tried to forgive that man, but the anger and pain always come back.

    This past Christmas was hard when I realized it had been 20 years. When I realized my own daughter is now the same age that I was at the time. As horrible as it is to have happened to me, I can't imagine the horror of having that happen to her. Especially by someone you should be able to trust...a grandfather.

    The man finally died a month ago. His death has brought a closure of sorts, but I'm not sure the pain will ever completely go away. He damaged his entire family...my aunts, a female cousin and my sisters all share similar stories. There is still so much healing that needs to happen for myself as well as my family. At least now I don't need to fear him hurting my daughter. I made sure he never met her, and I never even sent my grandparents pictures of either of my children.

    I was always a little angry that he had never been brought to justice. He never spent a day in prison for his crimes. I told my husband many times that the man should have spent the rest of his life in prison, knowing full well how child molesters are treated by other inmates. I now have peace knowing that God is just, and that even though he escaped punishment in this life, he won't escape it in his afterlife.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your story. I was fortunate enough to never have to deal with this personally, but it's amazing how many women I know who have. I know some men have also experienced it (though they may be even less likely to talk about it), so it makes me want to guard my two-year-old son all the more. May God bless your heart for sharing this with us. :o)

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  4. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.

    My daughter had was "allegedly" abused by the husband of her babysitter four years ago. I say "allegedly" because, although I can tell you without a doubt something happened, when the police asked her about it she didn't say anything, so no case was ever opened and no one was investigated. >:( Thankfully she was only two and doesn't remember, but my husband and I do. It is so hard to forgive this man! Every time we used to drive by his house I felt filled with rage! Through much prayer I was finally able to atleast drive by without getting burning mad, but I still struggle with forgiving him to the point of wishing him well.

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  5. Thank you all for your comments!

    I wrote this post for one reason and that being that hopefully someone will get victory over their past as well. Forgiveness isn't always easy, but with God it is. I've read of stories of far worse things...even missionaries that were able to forgive, and even love, their former abusers and pray for their salvation! God is good and we can turn on Him for help to forgive! Please ask Him for help! He will help you!

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  6. I never thought of the guilt and shame he might be feeling. I "moved on" years ago but never thought to pray for him. Thank you for your willingness to share to help others. May God bless you.

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    1. By moved on I mean God has allowed me peace in the situation. I believe that though this was meant as a negative event in my life God has used it to shape me into a stronger person (although it took many years)

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing. This happened to me it was a family friend that was 16 years older then me. I was 12 @ the time and i remember it like it was yesterday. I didn't have the courage to tell anyone. My sister knew but it came out 4 years later when he did the same thing to another girl. I wish i would have told when it first happened and maybe someone else wouldn't of went through what i went through.it will be 20 years ago this September. I can't say that i forgave him and i definitely have not forgot but after reading your post i think its time i start the forgiving process. Thank you for having the courage to share.

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  8. Thank you for writing this...a situation happened to me by an uncle from the time I was 4 or 5 until 14 years old. I carried it around with me until into my 30's without talking about it. I am my mom's only child and she was a single parent so when you are told she will be taken from you if you tell and you are a small child...you don't tell. She is all you have. Anyway...It is very hard to forgive and I wasn't able to do it without becoming a Christian. You are right..the more you ask God to help you the more easier it gets...then one day you wake up and wala you have peace. I can relate to this post on so many levels. My uncle has long since died..but he left destruction and hurt children (now women) throughout the family. Thank you again for sharing and God bless you!

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  9. Thank you for writing this...a situation happened to me by an uncle from the time I was 4 or 5 until 14 years old. I carried it around with me until into my 30's without talking about it. I am my mom's only child and she was a single parent so when you are told she will be taken from you if you tell and you are a small child...you don't tell. She is all you have. Anyway...It is very hard to forgive and I wasn't able to do it without becoming a Christian. You are right..the more you ask God to help you the more easier it gets...then one day you wake up and wala you have peace. I can relate to this post on so many levels. My uncle has long since died..but he left destruction and hurt children (now women) throughout the family. Thank you again for sharing and God bless you!

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    1. Thank you for this message. God is good! It is my desire to help those who have been where I have been. I think that is why God allows these thing...or at least one reason. You can share my story if you think it might help someone else. (Or your own!! You never know how God may turn your tragedy into someone's help!) ~ Angela

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  10. Thank u for writing this. I was 8 or 9, it happened to me too by a trusted boy of my family, he was a neighbor in our province. My parents took him with us to the city. I dont wanna mention every detail but i can still remember things clearly. I just wish all those memories to be gone. I already forgive him and im moving on with my life. Im married now and i'm glad i was able to tell that to my husband. He never mention or say anything about it, he just hugged me and love me even more each day. I praise Yahweh for that.

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    1. Aww, thank you so much for this message. God is so good to us!! He knows just what we can handle and He's waiting to handle it for us so we don't have to (if we let him)! Thanks again, Angela!

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