This Is My Baby No Matter How Little

 Today we have my real-life friend Lisa guest posting for us!  She blogs at Journey of Grace and I know her post will be a blessing to you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pray that through my post and sharing my experience God will use this to help other ladies who have gone through something similar. And for those who haven't, that it may give you an understanding heart. Thank you so much to my friend, Angela, whom I miss so much! God led her to do this series and what beautiful timing He has!  -Lisa

My husband Bryan & I are parents to a beautiful 3 1/2 year old little girl, Jaiden. She was our slightly unexpected yet very welcomed blessing we learned of in mid November 2007. The pregnancy was, in general, an absolute breeze! Morning sickness occurred but I only threw up twice the entire pregnancy! That's an accomplishment if you ask me heh. I was young, only 21 at the time, and didn't have much of a care in the world. My husband was a new Christian and although I had been saved since I was 13, was only beginning to really dedicate my life to Christ like I should have done so many years before. Pregnancy was exciting! Looking back I can't ever remember fearing miscarriage or complication. We knew that whatever was meant to be was God's will, and His will was a precious baby girl born in to the world on July 9th, 2008.

We knew we wanted to have more children but with one bundle of energy it was kind of a scary thought! More than one of her?! That didn't matter though. As Jaiden grew older I kept longing for a tiny baby in my arms again, and on May 5th, 2011 we got the faint, slow appearing lines we once again were not totally expecting... we were pregnant! From the get-go, this one was different. I had tested several times the week before trying to figure out why I was so late (nearly 3 weeks), but I kept getting nothing. I wasn't too concerned because I was the girl who was always different and whose body never really worked normally. Having hypothyroidism diagnosed and treated only months before Jaiden was born answered a lot of questions and 'fixed' a lot of things which we feel helped lead to her pregnancy, but since her delivery I had been having a difficult time keeping my thyroid levels normal. I had only recently gotten things somewhat back on track when we got pregnant the 2nd time.

Based on my 'lady' dates, on May 5th I would have been approximately 6 weeks along. We had our first appointment on May 19th, thinking I was 8 weeks, and with a portable ultrasound were told I was only measuring 4 weeks. I was kind of baffled. The dates weren't adding up in any way but I trusted the doctor. After all the proof was right there on the screen: An empty-looking sac consistent with a 4 week ultrasound. Nonetheless we were incredibly thankful to see what would be our little baby's new home! I remember praying every night that God would allow this baby to grow happy and healthy, but was always sure to tell Him we trusted His will. We were scheduled for another ultrasound, this time with the technician, for June 17th. The day came and I waited impatiently with an incredibly full bladder (you know you have to have that full bladder for those ultrasound appointments!) and back to the exam room we went. What a sweet tech we had. Her words were so calming. I'm thankful for that because after several minutes of searching, she told us that the gestational sac was empty which was concerning to her provided I was measuring 9 weeks. She told me "I won't lie to you, this is concerning, but I'm not God so let's wait and see what the doctor says." 

And wait we did. Almost 1 hour. We waited so long that my husband had to go back to work before I could be seen. Finally I was able to see the doctor. She confirmed everything I had been trying to deny in my mind for the last hour, we had lost our baby. I was crushed, crying and confused. I had a blighted ovum, where the baby does not form much beyond implantation. My body was still growing a gestational sac and I still had the pregnancy hormones, but everything was truly beginning to make sense. No wonder my dates were off from the doctor's. The baby was no longer growing so the hormones slowed down which made the sac smaller than anticipated. Where my dates originally put us at being due around Christmas, their measurements were putting me due in late January 2012. Not to mention the symptoms were just not there. Sure I had some symptoms but they were so minimal and nothing compared to the first pregnancy. My head was spinning and a rock sounded like a wonderful place to curl up under and cry.

I remember the doctor telling me "If it makes you feel better, there was probably no soul because the baby never really formed." She was such a sweet doctor, not my normal doctor or the one who would be performing my surgery later, but I had seen her before and I really did like her. I was also in an incredibly vulnerable state looking for anything to make things "seem" better. I took what she said and made it my excuse to help handle the loss. The weekend that followed was so emotional. I told only those who I felt needed to know because I didn't want the "I'm sorry's." I just don't know how to handle that response and I didn't want to handle it. I found myself psychologically a mess. I felt sick at my stomach all weekend and come Monday I was so stressed and distraught that I called the doctor's office and begged for a more immediate appointment than what I was scheduled previously so we could move on and set a date for surgery. I prayed earnestly for a call back, and my prayers were answered. The Lord eased my mind more than I ever planned. My doctor was able to get my surgery scheduled for the following morning.

June 21st, 2011 I had my D&C. My husband accompanied me to the hospital. I was so incredibly thankful for him being there with me, thankful that my doctor was able to help me as soon as she could, and was even more thankful to God for helping me this far through one of the most difficult times of my life. Recovery went well, physically and mentally. After the surgery I began to recount the original appointment where the doctor had said there was probably no soul. I had let her words stick but I knew what she had said and what I believed were the exact opposite. God told Jeremiah "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations." (Jer. 1:5) God KNOWS my baby! He CREATED my baby! This is my baby no matter how little it was. His word helps me more than any man's word can! For me, completing the surgery and knowing our baby was with the Lord was the turning point and the road to recovery in the process of grief. Friends and family began to reach out as they learned of the loss and the thoughtfulness was incredible.

I understand how it must be difficult as an 'outsider' when approaching someone who has experienced a loss. You just don't know what to say, especially if you have not been there yourself. You hear "It was meant to be," "It was God's plan," and while I truly believe the Lord has a precious plan for each and every one of us, it can be hard to take those words after a tragic experience. I think offering prayers is the most gracious thing you can say. Sincerity in your words and genuine thoughtfulness can make a world of a difference to someone who is confused, lost, doesn't know how to cope completely and is still grieving a loss of any sort. Even a gentle smile and a hug can speak volumes.

Through the grace of God and His glory, I am here today. My faith in Him and His never failing love for me has brought me to an incredible point in my life. Every day is a beautiful blessing, and every event is one to be thankful for. Our precious baby, who if God had planned for us to have lie in our arms, would have been born around Christmas. I feared the end of December, worried that emotions would flow and I'd think of what could have been. I often reminded myself to leave it in the Lord's hands, and with my faith the new year rolled over with no worry or fear. On January 16th, with little to no serious thought that it would even happen at all, my husband anxiously begged me to take a pregnancy test. I was trying to do laundry and he wouldn't leave me alone about it lol! Out came the brightest and quickest appearing pink lines I'd ever seen! I shed tears of fear and joy. I was once again scared of what might be but my husband's gentle hugs eased my heart. At that time I was in my 6th week meaning that around the time baby #2 would have came in to the world, we had created baby #3. For me that was a blessing! My mom always said the Good Lord works in mysterious ways, and that he truly does. Now, just in to my 3rd month of pregnancy I definitely feel pregnant! Everything sounds amazing to eat yet smells awful and the bathroom is my best friend (but not for puking... I'm not giving up that easily! lol).

I tell my husband everyday after a quick complaint about what hurts or how I feel that despite the symptoms and discomfort, I thank God for any symptom. He is giving me this opportunity to carry a child and I'll take whatever symptoms He gives me! Our prayer is that we have a healthy baby growing in my womb and on February 13th we will have our first ultrasound. I ask that you please keep my husband and I in your prayers as we go in to the next week anxiously waiting to see our baby!

Nobody will heal the same, and we will all find our own way of coping with loss. We are on this earth in the flesh and there will be heartache and sorrow, but as a Christian I have found immense comfort and ease in my heart. Seeking GOD first will make a world of difference (Matt. 6:33).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Lisa and her husband Bryan have one beautiful daughter and another baby on the way.  Lisa blogs at Journey of Grace.  You can also follow her on facebook. ~

 **To read more of this series, "God's Grace Through Miscarriage", please click here. **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are so glad to have you join us here at Hidden Treasures! We hope to be a blessing to as many ladies as possible!  You can connect with us on Facebook or Twitter, or you can chose to have our post sent directly to your E-mail or RSS feed.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~